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Star Faded

[ website | My Poems ]
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You [used] to put the happy in my ness [Sat, Jul 17th, 2010
It's July 17th, 2010.

And I've never felt so alone my whole life.
1 Let Go

You son of a gun [Tue, May 19th, 2009

Let Go

Summary of the last 4 months [Sat, Sep 15th, 2007
[ mood | contemplative ]

I still think about her up to this day. It's different now, though, because of something I found out.

Her mother was important to her. A week before her birthday the year after we broke up, she had called me. She was crying and told me her mom had died. I told her if there was anything I could do, to just call me. She never called. I wasn't there for her. And for the past 2 years, I had beat myself up for letting her go through it by herself.

I thought about her every day. I cried myself to sleep for months at a time. Drugs only made it so much worse, and I'd do anything to try and cut the guilt off of me. I couldn't stand it. It was torture.

2 years almost to the day, I asked my friend how she took her mom dying. He replied her mom was alive and well and that he had seen her mom less than a month ago, that she was able to walk and talk and eat and do things that dead people aren't allowed to do.

Ever since then, my life has changed. I see her for who she is. I knew I knew her. But that lie broke that quintessential image. How demented does someone have to be to lie about something that means so fucking much to them? To lie to someone they say means everyfuckingthing to them? She was a good liar. The greatest.

And it's situations like that that make me not want to get out of bed. Life is so strifling. At times it breaks joy into pieces and cuts you with them. But other times, everything is okay. A bunch of beers with some close friends, a lotta laughs, and having to get up for class utterly dehydrated (when it only gets worse because the parking at school is enough to make you wanna get hammered again) forgetting to shower and having your stomache growl the entire duration of class as your brain is too hungover to comprehend what the professor is talking about. And then having to walk through the campus, distraught at having homework when all you know you're gonna do is drink, laugh, and be merry as much as you can because life is short.

I'm the only one at the house without a girlfriend. It sucks being there in the room with 2 pairs of couples and one roommate on the phone with a huge grin on her face. I want to smile, too. I want someone to talk to when there's nobody else. I want to feel special. I want to know there's someone out there waiting for me, but knowing that would be total bullshit. It's just fucked up that I can't just meet someone tomorrow and be ridiculously compatible with them.

Ugh. I'm tired of being single. It's annoying.


Let Go

Well, well, well [Sun, Sep 2nd, 2007
Guess who's back? =)

It's been 3 months, 2 weeks, and 4 days since my last hit of dope. I feel good. My brain's not what it used to be, but it's alright. I'm starting college at Cal-State Bakersfield on September 10th, and I'm moving to Bakersfield this Tuesday with 5 roommates. We'll probably get on each others' nerves, but at least our house is fucking HUGE. And I mean HUUUUGE. =) 3 of us are musicians, including Isis, Josh, and me. Josh is the only straight one out of all 6 of us, LOL, so that'll be interesting.

I stopped writing when I quit. I don't know what happened, I guess I didn't have anything else to write about. I'll be writing again soon though, since I have 2 english classes this quarter. Fuck. They put me in the Hawk Honors program too, damn wankers.

fivebyfive88 has stopped updating [<^> (0.o)] and I'm unsure if anyone would still read this after the long hiatus, but I hope you're doing well.

Let Go

I'm an angel burning out [Fri, Mar 9th, 2007
[ mood | callous ]

Fuck. I'm not really doing too well. Things have gotten worse and my outlook in life has become muddier and less certain. If I could look at me from another's perspective, I wouldn't know whether to laugh or cry because it's a joke. A sad fucking joke.

I think I'm starting to go a little insane living how I am. The days slip past my grasp and I can't fucking get a grip on ANYTHING. I've fucking lost everything. I've lost myself. I always hear constant and unclear naggings from some place in my head. And the cruel thing is that I'm so disallusioned and untrusting I don't know whether it's real people playing a sad game or if it's just crazy little me.

I really need to get out more.


Let Go

Knock, knock [Wed, Mar 7th, 2007
[ mood | fried then burnt ]


...Is anyone there?


2 Let Go

Who I am and why. [Sun, Jan 21st, 2007
[ mood | in need of nicotine ]

I'm not like anyone I know. I'm abstract - more empathetic and trusting than the people here. So that's why I more often than not sulk into bed each night, just wishing I could disappear into a place where I'd want to exist. I don't feel like I could ever be happy where I am.

I am a meth addict. This addiction is killing me, but I don't want to die. I want to live and accept and attempt to do all the wishes and dreams that have filled my imagination since I was a small child, neglected and left alone. I have so many aspirations, you see, and a mind that speedily races to fill in holes of everyday problems such as helping my mother out, keeping my brother calm, when I'll get around going to college, not being there to see my goddaughter grow up, running into pigs, coming up with money, getting dope, hustling (better known as stealing/pawning/conning) other tweakers for nickels/dimes/whateverIcanaffordtoget, and how fucked up I'll be later in life knowing how fucked up I am now.

Just to clear things up, I'm not the type of addict that fucks dealers for a hit, I still have more than enough sense to keep myself from getting that deep into drugs. I still and will probably always have my lovably enormous yet sensitive ego with a mountain of pride and morals on top of that. To put things into perspective, I don't desperately chase every slight opportunity to feed my addiction down nor do I trade my pride for a day of euphoric ignorance. When I have enough spare money (which is usually everyday) I go out, get a dime, and smoke it all at once. I don't trade any of my belongings, I just lose out on cash that I could've spent elsewhere or saved.

Looking back, I have since forgotten why I like this drug. It's done nothing but peck away at me, mentally and physically. My self-confidence has withered, and my body is looking more and more sullen as the days sink by. I hallucinate (it used to be much worse up until a couple of weeks ago. I would see shadows moving that would take on human shapes on the walls, through the windows, and sometimes 'people' would appear in the middle of rooms I would be in 'causing uncontrollable panic in me and I would bury myself in blankets at the corner of my room, wrapping my arms around my legs and sobbing desperately for the stalkers-that-were-never-there to go away and I'd shut my eyes as tight as I could hoping that if I couldn't 'see' them, they'd leave me be. There have been instances where I thought they had killed me but I don't wanna expand on that) after binging for sleepless days on end, thinking in my paranoid state of mind that the world is against me; 6,500,000,000 people against 1 of me. It's frightening because my mind can carry that ratio and expand on it, making it seem like the human populace throws misfortune and bad luck at me so that one day I will give up and fail; and in reality, all of life's lessons are tragic and coincidental and are shared by almost everyone of every shape, colour, class, race, and religion. Loss is inevitable and must be taken into consideration - nothing (save for love and hope) lasts forever. I've learned to appreciate my present companions but also despise them because I see all their faults in all the events where I've mistrusted them. They lie and cheat and try and save face but sometimes I do the same, so in turn I let all the wrong things that don't really matter slip away and I remain tied to them and their all-important companionship.

In my head and in my heart, I am alone. I cannot describe the loneliness that I feel because all of my emotions have numbed into slight sensations. I live life the same way every single day, sometimes moving forward into a better future, and other times I find myself laying wasted and mentally beaten dangling over the side of a couch or my bed. I feel like a zombie most of the time, except I'm aware and able to understand consequences such as driving straight into the back end of a traffic jam simply because for a crucial second, I wanted out; out of these problems and the hurt of people who judge, out of reach of my mom's hopes to be someone big and important, out of total responsibility of my brother when he gets older, out of connections with any and every little object, idea, or individual that have already or will one day make me break down and cry because I just couldn't handle all of the combined weights at once because I am weak when I'm on my own.

Ironically, what may cause my death is presently keeping me alive. Whenever I lose hope in myself, I drown my spirits in a chemical that chases all thoughts of doom away. I live for the moment and I momentarily forget everything else because when I am 'high', nothing else matters except for the fact that I'm alive and able to do all the things that I love doing (play guitar, cruise, draw, write [every few months or so], and sing) and for a couple hours of chemically-induced contentment I get a little closer to rock bottom but am able to keep struggling on. It's a strange price to pay - I can't live without it and I'll die if I keep abusing it.

If I leave town, my brother will be left alone (mom is a fieldworker and it's physically draining) and I can't just leave them like that. I could get clean if I leave but I can't do to him what was done to me as a child. I can't hurt him like that. Nor could I leave my mom because she's at the point where she might have to stop working the fields due to her worsening arthritis and above all, she came to this forsakened country so I could rise above and provide for when the time comes that she can't. And I accept that. I'll take care of them both no matter what.

I think I've solved all the basics that I'll have to work with for the next decade or so. I cannot see any farther in my future, and I've no reason to. The past year has been spent dwelling and trying to solve what went wrong in the past while things were falling apart in the present. Right now, I'm in pieces but it will get better. I know I have it in me the will to stop my addiction for reasons of necessity and the need to move on. Naturally competitive, I cringe at how behind I've gotten compared to my old high school friends and I'm aching to break free and excel in every way that I'm able to...


Fuck. I wrote a lot. I'll probably wake up tomorrow, read this post, and wonder how burnt/stuck I must've been to type up all of that crap. ;) Nah, but honestly, I mean every word of this post - it's all coming from thoughts I've discovered and ideas that I've put together along the dangerous path that I'm currently on. I don't know if I mean anything to whoever's reading this, I just really hope that you won't judge me from the first couple of paragraphs and automatically assume I'm one of those stereotypical junkies that wastes life away and dies a nobody, because I'm not and I won't. I dream just like you dream and I hurt just like you hurt. Thoughts and conclusions are reached/solved differently in each individual's mind, but emotions are universal (though I'm unsure about UFOs =S)l Hope can save lives but when it's lost, everything can be lost. When misfortune is accepted and dealt with at a young age, it's hard not to stay bitter; but the understanding of why tragedy and loss happens comes sooner than in a less dismal circumstance and acceptance is usually more easily attainable. But I've learned through many one-on-one conversations and rants that sometimes there are wounds that just never heal. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

Crap. I'm really out of it. Good luck with reading this Season-7-Xander-Sized entry.


ps. I found it humorous in wishing you luck at the end of the long structured wordvomit.

4 Let Go

There's nothing I can say that'd be worth it for her to hear // Her confirmation [Mon, Jan 8th, 2007
[ mood | crushed ]

Fuck. Me. I guess that's what I get for having to need to know.

"So Contagious"
- Acceptance

"Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected
And I can tell that I've been moving in so slow
Don't let it throw you off too far
Cause I'll be running right behind you

Could this be out of line?
(could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oh, when I'm around you I'm predictable
Cause I believe in loving you at first sight
I know it's crazy but I'm hoping to
To take a hold of you

Could this be out of line?
(could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oh you're everything I'm wanting
Come to think of it, I'm aching
On account of my transgression
Will you welcome this confession?

Could this be out of line?
(could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Could this be out of line?
(could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

I wish I could bold and huge-ify this whole song without it looking ugly and annoying on friends' pages because every line means something. This was all useless for me. I should've just left it dead and gone. I should've done it all when I had the fucking chance and SJKLgzhdjghsjklhsdfjghyserjhyy FUCK.

Fuck. I dunno man. I dunno what to say about this that I haven't already said and/or repeated. I'm still somewhat speechless. I feel like Anya at the end of "Hells Bells" after Xander tells her and she's just walking down the aisle, numb and quiet. But that's okay 'cause there's nothing left to say; except that this is the first time I've ever felt ashamed to feel whatever the hell it is I feel.


Let Go

Last words [Tue, Dec 19th, 2006
"After the End"

Sometimes I wonder what life made out of me
- a lost sinking space filled with unclarity.
Fuzzy images show through the filthy broken lens
which pieces stayed together even after sorrow's end.

Bludgeoned down the highway, and swept from side to side
all the feelings mixed together and melted inside.
And the clouds of coming fog and untimely desperation
will kill me as I lose even more of my sensation.

I stand up taller when I'm down on my knees.
I'm blown far as a feather in the light autumn breeze.
To a world of calloused old-aged entreprenuers,
I'm a fool to believe that I couldn't ever just lose her.

Cursed to dream of what may or may not come,
I toss and I throw away souveniers by the ton.
But I still feel too heavy to even open my eyes
for their windows were locked by so many goodbyes.

Failing, I'm failing to spot a source of truth in here
in a place that seems empty though it's filled with sad fear.
I'd wake up if only I could find an impossible way
to get back to my heart I left behind that day
where I died and my love still turned away
for ever since then, I haven't been okay.

Fifteen months might as well be a hundred years
for such a length of time chips away at the tears.
From heartache so overwhelming that it binds one's breath
and bathes all colour in darkness as if you were dead.
But days pass by the month and it takes its toll.
It erases happiness you felt inside of your soul,
and lets the questions go by unseen and unanswered;
- as if the times that you'll never forget never really mattered.


But she's still here with me inside of my room,
and still drives me around in the light of the moon,
and still kills me with silence everyday.

I still can't live this life after she threw ours away."

November 22nd, 2006

Let Go

These pages keep falling to the floor [Thu, Jul 20th, 2006
It's useless to try and control the path you take for you're blind and can't see all the mistakes in your wayCollapse )

Let Go

SNAFU [Fri, Jul 7th, 2006
"A blurring coherence of the surrounding space
leads to rapid pumps from the heart at a soul-splitting pace
and my eyes glow bright as my mind proceeds to race
though I'm half-starved and lonely; I've grown fond of this place."

"Situation Normal All Fucked Up
thoughts race to the point where they don't shut up
and people's faces morph to rabid creatures
as lights move around to cast shadows on pictures."

"My saviour forgets to teach me life's lessons
like keeping a love or showing affection
in times of need or during daily interaction
when the length between life and death is a fraction.

I sit here and scribble my silent insecurities
that scream their fill of a thousand tragedies
into a hollow in my heart that I've struggled to shut
but will fail to hold back when I've had enough
of these hi-speed chases and fond memories I'll miss;

I'll close my eyes on the freeway and make a wish."

7 more [longer ones] under a cutCollapse )

Let Go

Poem [Thu, Jun 29th, 2006
"Everything I Could Never Want"

All fears of mine have become unremarkable
and these qualities haven't acquired a penny of worth
a penny I'd throw away just to watch it sparkle
as I turn to look back from my futile search

Combing through lies out of the same old traitors
it's an unforgiving lesson that can't be taught
because the evil coil is well-hidden behind a lure
of false sincerity manufactured to be bought

Ineligible scrawls leap from the burning papers
leftover letters and notes we wrote from inches apart
they're samples of recollections I forgot to savour
and now regret as cold emptiness attacks my heart

To be sober is no longer a needed necessity
and I drown myself in chemicals to numb the days away
I sit beside a pillow to feel a little less lonely
and drive up and down the highway with a hope to someday escape

But somehow I find myself back in this room again
trapped with an open door and fresh air blowing inside
I hammer at a wall that refuses to break or bend
and acknowledge the fact that I'm losing this fight

Her eyes have dried by now, I'm sure
and those dreams we exchanged will never come true
left diseased in the heart with no sign of a cure
living has become a chore I don't want to do


Let Go

Alexisonfire [Thu, Jun 29th, 2006
Please just give me back my heart. It has been too long and I will burn no more. 

And I grew tired of all the lies and elsewhere eyes of yours, and now I will scream and dream of what's to come.

Let Go

Was this what we hoped for? [Thu, Jun 29th, 2006
[ mood | unfortunate ]

- "Happiness by the Kilowatt"

So this is continuous happiness
You know, I always
Imagined it something more
With the right drapes, the right paints
The right frames, this could really work
What a great day to spend indoors

Wake, wake up, wake, wake up
Wake, wake up, wake, wake up
Wake, wake up, wake, wake up
Wake, wake up, wake, wake up

In a hail of sparks
And a tangle of wires
Everything went wrong

So where has all the day gone?
And why are my lungs aching when I breathe?
Is there something wrong with the heat?
Why am I so cold?
And my heart feels sick
And it hurts when I speak
And this is not what I hoped for

Wake, wake up, wake, wake up
Wake, wake up, wake, wake up
Wake, wake up, wake, wake up
Wake, wake up, wake, wake up

Was this what we hoped for?

Was this what we hoped for?
Was this what we hoped for?

Was this what we hoped for?

Was this what we hoped for?
Was this?


Let Go

You know I won't mind if you monopolize all of my time [Mon, Jun 19th, 2006
[ mood | bored ]

Fucking goodness, I'm bored. This is the first day I've been home at this time in weeks (besides Sundays - I take full advantage of the holy sabbath, kthx). THERE'S FUCKING NOTHING TO DO. Isis is somewhere with Vans and them in a beachhouse somewhere, those tramps. I'm so used to kicking it with Isis - she wakes me up and makes me take her to buy cigarettes almost everyday. Then I stay there 'til I leave in the late evening hours. Or sometimes morning. =\ But she's leaving on Saturday morning to go to CSUB for a month and I'm gonna disappear somewhere in that time. That sucks.

Crap. I think this whole graduating-and-leaving-everything-I've-ever-known-behind thing is starting to affect me. My mom is getting on my ass about when I'm going to college and where. Pfft, don't rush me WOMAN. What's worse is that I don't have many aspirations at the moment, save for smoking a cigarette and driving to Tulare to get a route 44-sized strawberry fresh fruit slushie from Sonic. I don't give a fuck where I go, I just know that I want to go to a college where I'm comfortable with the environment and the people. I know, I know - duh, but shiiiiiiiit there are lots of shitty people and dramas in some places and I don't feel comfortable in making a decision to go somewhere I've never been or even seen.

Fuck it?

fivebyfive88,  be a dear and move with me to Boston so we can get bitchin' accents. ♥
*bats eyelashes*

30 Let Go

If this is the last dance, when may I have it? [Sun, Jun 11th, 2006
[ mood | expectant ]

Hello. My name is Sheena.

I am a 5'0 [and a HALF] and I am asian. I talk weird and often stutter like a motherfucker. I like to fucking cuss. Bitch. I speed down the freeway even though I'm always afraid of crashing. I sometimes forget what I said right after I say it. I'm a risk-taker; if you can't keep up then don't slow me down. I'm a godmother. I don't know what to do with my life. I like hanging out with intelligent people (but if you're cool and you're stupid then that's cool too). I smoke weed. I hate Fallout Boy, My Chemical Romance, Hawthorne Heights, AND ALL THOSE MUTHAFUCKAS. I'm often loud and obnoxious in public. I have a sensitive yet fairly enormous ego. I hate the pigs. I like long walks on the beach. Haha, I was just kidding on that one. I recently graduated from high school. I say what's on my mind even when it's not safe to, but I'll take your secrets to my grave. I need to think. I need to sleep. I need to eat. I need to drive. I need to thrive.

But I'm restless and I'm tired.


1 Let Go

And I neeeeed you now somehoooww [Wed, Apr 12th, 2006
[ mood | stoned&drunk ]

Man. *sits down* I need to sit and chill for a while man. I'm a little strung out from the past couple days.

I went to a party after the karaoke show on Friday, didnt get home until 2:30, I dunno what I did Saturday but I remember taking my car and some people out and driving around and stuff....But I don't know =\ Went to Bakersfield with my dad on Sunday to buy [books] and then I think I went out later that night to Isis's...and stuff...I watched her practice with Vans, Priscilla, and Javi for the talent show at CCHS for a while then we went back to chill at her place...didnt get home til about 12-1am or something. Uhhhh yeah I think thats the time I bought weed and since then on Monday, I hung out with Dom, Isis, Cesar and Matt for a while before Dom had to go to work. then I dropped everyone off and ....Oh jeez I forgot. Oh yeah I dropped everyone off and then went home and slept. And I went to Isis's yesterday...I think. well she told me, but I don't remember coming.  OH YEAHHH I remember now. Yeah I took my car out while it wasn't raining yet....No wait that was Monday. Oh no. Dontcha know? DontCHA know? Dontcha KNOWW?


Why can't you do the =\ face on myspace.com? It ends up looking like this =..   
How fucking stupid is that?

I dunno guyssss. I'm having fun but I can't seem to remember much lately. OHHH I started reading "Brave New World' by Aldous Huxley last night. It's a wonderful book! I shall continue reading it tonight if I don't go out.


Let Go

woooo weeee [Fri, Apr 7th, 2006
[ mood | anxious ]

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing


WOO HOO, SPRING BREAK, WOO HOO! 8) Party-hardy time! ...again.


1 Let Go

I never met a boy quite like you [Sun, Mar 26th, 2006
[ mood | hungover ]

Ohhhhh fuck. My head.

I've been partying hardy the past couple days. Yager [spelling?] and red bull together is nummie in my tummie. Unless I drink tequila and Malibu with it on an empty stomache 'cause then I throw up. =( Which happened last night ROTFL. So so so much fun. But I'm paying for it today. My whole body's sore, especially my tongue with all the drinking and *ahem* stuff I did. But otherwise, I feel pretty good. I only slept like 6 hours though I dunno why I didn't stay asleep longer.

Truthfully I kinda regret drinking as much as I did last night. I'd taken my mom's car and the third time  me and Isis [and later Adam and Cesar] went to the party [me and her kept leaving to check out other parties and to pick people up], I was off my ass. It's good to have buddies with you though and they took my keys away and cause Isis had drunk the least of us I think and so she drove from then on. I didn't get home til like 2:30[?] in the morning the day before and last night I didnt get home til like 3.

I barely remember anything. How cool is that? Not very cool. I hope I didn't do anything too stupid since it was a local party and I knew some people over there that could spread stuff that would undoubtedly end up with my ass in a ditch somewhere.



Let Go

We all seem to need the help of someone else [Thu, Mar 9th, 2006
[ mood | giddyshitless ]

Woo. Time for a picture entry of past events. =) Roll the mouse over the pics to read some description crap.

woo weeCollapse )

I'm queer.
But I love it.


2 Let Go

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